will it be different?

Why do we continue to do the same thing over and over again when we know we will end up with the same outcome. Why do we continue to put ourselves in the same situations when we know we will end up with the same feelings in the end? I've been thinking about this a lot and why I continue to put myself in situations where I come out losing and thinking to myself "we're doing this again." But I think for the first time in my life I'm realizing that I don't have to continue in the same patterns. I have a choice and I don't have to do the same thing that I have always done. It may be painful to move on or do something different but in the end isn't it better? Don't I want to end up with a different ending? Don't I want life and joy and freedom? Why do we think we don't deserve much or that we don't deserve better? Don't we deserve to be treated well and to be respected. I want that for my life and I want to believe that something can have a different, better outcome.

It's getting close :)

Only four and a half more weeks until Kenya :) I still can't believe that I'm actually going to go and be able to love on youth and experience an amazing culture. I feel like the next four weeks are going to fly by and then it is going to be time to go. I think I have a lot of mixed emotions about the trip just b/c I'm excited but really nervous. I've never done anything like this and I'm wandering how my body and emotions are going to do during the trip. But I'm going with some amazing people who I know are going to be supportive and help me have a life impacting trip. So if you get a chance please pray for the four of us and pray for protection and just a deeper understanding of God. I'll try to keep you updated on what is happening and we will also have a blog set up so that people will know what we are doing while in Kenya. Have a great weekend :)

Procrastination :)

So it's currently 12:30am here and I'm sitting in my room attempting to right five synopses for theology class by tomorrow morning but its not going well. I don't know why I have such a hard sitting down and focusing for long periods of time. I just hate it because I would much rather be talking to someone or hanging out with someone doing something fun. Wouldn't you? My counselor told me he thinks I have ADD which is probably true but that doesn't help much with the focusing for school. So for now I'm going to keep waiting until the last minute to write papers and procrastinate way too much. Hopefully in the future this will get a lot better but we will see :) But I do have to say that at least I'm not stressed out about it like usual so I am making some progress. But besides that life is good and I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

I'm glad I live in Colorado :)

So I went on this retreat today where we went hiking around Evergreen. I'm definitely a person who loves being in nature and just being in the mountains. There is just something about smelling fresh air and realizing that God created everything that I'm seeing. I think that is why I have always loved hiking, backpacking, and sitting in the mountains. It's harder for me to do those things now but I realized today how much I miss them. I get excited when I get to be outside or know that I'm going to do something outdoorsy. Sometimes I just want to move to Leadville and buy a pink/purple house with a big porch and a big garden. I just think it would be fun to live in a small mountain town and experience everything that goes with it. Maybe sometime when I retire hopefully sooner than later :) Anyway, life is going pretty well right now and I like who I'm becoming. Who would have ever thought that I would end up in Littleton, CO going to Denver Seminary? It's funny the way God works but I'm thankful he works the way he does b/c I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but where I am right now!

it's me :)

So I haven't blogged in a while but we were talking about it tonight and I felt I needed to start again. There is a lot going on in my life right now with school, church stuff, and friends but I really am learning and growing more than I have in a long time. I'm constantly surrounded by these amazing people who teach me so much about being myself and following my heart. They are definitely drawing stuff out of me that I didn't even know was there. Sometimes I feel like I"m becoming a different person but in a good way meaning more of who I really am. I'm continually realizing that it is so much easier to just be myself and be who I want to be instead of trying to be what everybody else wants me to be. Why do we try to make everybody happy all the time? It's never going to happen and in the process we lose ourselves and just get stressed out. I think I've lived that way for so long that its hard to change it but it's so great to realize that all we really have to do is be ourselves and people will like us. Anyways, I realize more and more everyday that who I am is somebody who loves the church and ministry and wants to do that for the rest of my life. Don't know exactly what that looks like but I love what I'm doing now and I hope I get to continue for a long time :)

Sunday

Why are we so lucky? Why do we have the ability to be loved by a God who is so wonderful and merciful? There are just days when I feel like God is showing me just a little bit of how much he loves us and how much compassion he has for us. He wants us to be whole and he wants us to be free from bondage and junk. Even though life may seem hard sometimes or painful there is always somebody walking with us through it. Life has been pretty hard for the past four years but I know God weeps with me when I'm in pain and he knows the hurts and hard times in my life. I just feel lucky to have the life I have and to know a God who loves me so much that he blesses my life everyday. I hope you know that God and I hope you know how deeply you are loved :)

interesting

So I had this interesting conversation with someone today about the mind and heart. She says that you shouldn't make decisions based on your emotions but that you need to make logical decisions based on what your mind is saying. But aren't we supposed to live out of our hearts and listen to our emotions. I just think there is a balance between the two but what is it. I think as Christians we should be passionate people who are living out the truth of God but that doesn't mean squelching our heart. Don't we need to listen to our heart to know what God is calling us to? I don't know the conversation I had made me do a lot of thinking especially about what it means to live a life that is a balance between our hearts and minds.